..i'm not racist, but..

kalo gue boleh memilih jodoh gue, gue pengennya orang jawa, biar gue bisa ngomong bahasa jawa. Gue gak rasis, tapi menurut gue, orang jawa itu lebih ramah, dan lebih sopan, tau tata krama dibandingkan orang luar jawa. Mereka lebih tau unggah ungguh, lebih sabar ajah menurut gue.. yah, mudah2xan aja gue mendapatkan gue yg inginkan, secara si orang padang ini ternyata dah punya cewek, somehow gue mendapatkan kelegaan yg cukup berarti, heheheheeeeee.. ada satu orang jawa di kantor niy yg menurut gue bisa diprospek. we'll see deh..

..i'm not racist, but..

..malem sabtu yg lalu..

Yaaaaa, jadi malem sabtu kemaren gue nonton MUSE di Istora Senayan. Gak nyangka kalo penuh banget di dalam Istora itu, wong ampe calonya nyari2x lebihan tiket. Btw, sebelum ke Istora, gue ngajak Risty untuk mampir dulu ke Menara Mulia, tepatnya ke warung Harum Sari untuk makan indomie goreng & telor dadarnya yg to be honest, I've been craving for it for 3 days.. Gue telponin semua anak2x yg ada disana, dan untungnya masih ada Ikhwan, Fendy, Agus, Kokok & Ryan. Gue kangen banget ama mereka. Walo cuma bentar, at least kangennya gue tersalurkan. Gue bisa yg ketawa2x ngakak lagi, ngomong tanpa filter yg I really feel that I belong in their crowd. Ikhwan bilang ke gue. Ikhwan bilang kalo gue lebih segar, lebih cerah & lebih bahagia mukanya. Masa siy ampe keliatan gitu ? Hihihihiiiiii, emang gue sekarang lebih ringan, gak ada beban pikiran & mulai ada nafsu makannya. Kalo dulu, boro2x mikirin makan, yg ada malah marah2x mulu, jengkel & tekanan darah tinggi gue naik (untung aja gak stroke & and thanks to Sandy for those stuffs)

Abis itu, kita bedua nonton MUSE di Istora & like I said at the above, it was packed with people, festival tickets are sold out !! Gue sebenernya gak terlalu suka MUSE, krn range vokal si vokalis itu similar with Thom Yorke, tapi berhubung ada tiket gratisan, jadilah nonton kesana. Turned out that they are good and the stage are unbelieveable !! Seumur2x gue nonton konser, tata panggung yg keren banget ya baru di MUSE ituh, lighting-nya juga keren ajjaaaaahhh... Kalo untuk musiknya sendiri, walo gue menikmati, tapi masih gak sepenuh hati, ya karena mirip ama Radio Head itu ajah. But overall, gue puas kok dan untungnya dapet gratisan, hahahahahaaaaaaa (it's a paid off !!)

..malem sabtu yg lalu..

..it's not about the wrong person..

Itu judul gue buat krn pas malem sabtu, abis gue nonton MUSE yg asli keren banget, gue ngupi ama Risty & Ryan di coffee bean PS and ngebahas tentang percintaan Risty. Tiba2x ada pertanyaan Ryan "kenapa mesti Alan ? kenapa mesti mencintai orang yg salah ?", and gue dg argumentasi gue langsung against it "there's nothing wrong when it comes to love. Gak ada yg salah sama sekali.."

Truth, gue sama sekali gak suka dg pertanyaan Ryan yg menurut gue dilontarkan krn he's never experienced a moment where he fell in love with somebody's wife or different religion or older than he is. He never had a moment where he wish he had her for the rest of her life when he knows for sure that he couldn't as there's a biggest obstacle he couldn't even predict whether he could defeat it. He never had that moment, that's why he could say such a thing. I've been there and I didn't like the situation, so everytime there's a person saying things like Ryan said, I'd be the first to say anything against it..

I've been to a quite a lotsa situation where I fell in love with a wrong person (according to what people might say), but to me, there's nothing wrong with it. When I experienced love, I never wanna question myself, why it has to be this guy, why now, why this, why that and lotsa why which to me would waste my time to find the perfect answer. There won't be a perfect answer for it and it would gimme nothing but sadness & guilty feeling. So all I could do is try to enjoy the moment until it stopped by itself.

Back to what happen with Risty, I couldn't suggest things which could make the situation gets better as it's a different case of what happened with me & B. I once again had to against Ryan's idea which doesn't make sense to me at all. He suggested Risty to pretend she's pregnant to see what Alan's reaction and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK ??" Yet, my argumentation is soon broken by Ryan and rather than speak another words, I chose to shut myself up. I really don't like his non-sense idea.

Anyway, back to the title.. I wish before people can do something, they think of the impact, not just being a "Mr. Know-It-All" which apparently, he knows nothing about what he said. Some people can only judge when they know for sure, it's never their right to do so..

..it's not about the wrong person..

..i definitely don't miss him at all..

semalem gue bilyar lagi untuk 3 malam berturut-turut di arena.udah agak lancaran lah walo gue masih suka ikutan gerak tangannya, agak susah kalo membagi fokus antara gerakin tungkai lengannya aja dan mukul bola trus harus masuk.anyway, pas lagi maen, ryan kan dateng mampir ngasih titipan kartika sari and you know what, I DON'T MISS HIM AT ALL..gue seneng banget ama diri gue krn bisa get over this hard situation and it took me only a week.gue sih seneng liat dia, tapi perasaan gue udah back to normal ke saat dimana gue mulai berteman akrab ama dia.even pada saat gue nulis ini, perasaan gue yg biasa ajah, gak ada kangen2x ampe mau nangis gitu.gue mungkin udah mulai terbiasa gak ada dia dan my mind is occupied with other things, jadi gak begitu mikirin dia.gue tapi tetep sms dia siy, ngasih tau kalo gue dah gak kangen lagi and dia yg heran gitu.trus gue jawab aja, lah ya gimana, masak siy gue harus kangen terus sementara dia gak mau bilang kalo gak gue tanya ?.dan sudah bisa ditebak, kalo pertanyaan itu gak mungkin akan dijawab, jadi gue bilang aja kalo gue tau dia kangen banget ama gue, hahahahaaaaaaa.

..akyu senaaaaaaaang..

..i definitely don't miss him at all..

..AI show is on..

AI season 6 udah dimulai and favorit gue taun ini Blake Lewis. Gue bolak balik dengerin lagu dia di www.rickey.org and he really is a good singer besides great in beep-boxing too.. Suaranya tuh yg jernih and enaaaaaak banget didengernya.

Gue predict at least he could be in top 12, jadi gue masih bisa ngeliat dia untuk beberapa minggu ke depan. Somehow he reminds me of Elliott Yamin, the reason why I'm addicted to watch AI last year. Kalo 2 taun yg lalu kan gue addicted to see Constantine, the Greek-God :)

Go Blake Lewis.. I support you (though I can't vote..)

..AI show is on..

Jadiiiiiiiii, ini yang namanya Ryan.. He's my best friend who understands me so much in a very short time. Though he's tough at me in some time, but over all, I love him for being himself and for being my dearest best friend.. Truth is, there are lotsa guys like him, but since we spend quite many times together, he's the only person that I feel close with in Nokia and to him, I'm the only person he could talk to at the office about his "bad-boy thing". He's the person whom I could share my deepest secret of life, the guy whose patient enough for still talking with me when I'm being so moody & cranky til I'm cool off, the guy who cheer me up when he saw me crying for feeling so depressed, the guy who lend his ears when I feel I need to talk to someone badly enough about the pathetic work I had. He whom I missed most and I felt losing of when I've made decision to resign. This is Ryan, my best friend of life which I'm sure he'll always be one no matter what happen in both of our world.

I love you in my own way, Ry !!

..i don't miss him..

Bener kata Yenny, ternyata makin lama gak ketemu, perasaan itu bisa hilang pelan-pelan and that's what I feel.. I don't miss Ryan and I'm used for not seeing him now. Last week was only a shock therapy for me :) Besides, I have lotsa work which takes the bigger space of my mind so he's not in my top list anymorel. I'm glad that I've been through it, it's not as hard as thought it would though..

I still have the feeling of wanting to sms him, but not as strong as last week. Pfuuuufffhhh.. I'm just glad that I'm over him, eventhough not completely, but at least I can go back to where this "strange friendship" has started.

When I put my blouse this morning and looked myself into the mirror this morning, I was like "Gosh, I don't have that strong feeling anymore to him". I either wanna be happy or sad, but overall, I'm just glad I've gone through the hard time..

Sekarang, gue mau denger american idol dari website www.rickey.org dulu aaaaaah, soalnya ntar malem gue mau bilyar lagi ama neng risty. Gue mau lebih ngelancarin soalnyah :))

..i don't miss him..

..lanjutan posting kemaren..

Jadiiiiii, ternyata dia itu ketiduran pas lagi nonton HBO, jadilah kemaren pagi itu dia sms gue, bilang minta maaf. Hmmmm, gue pikir dia kenapa2x ya neeeeek. Untunglah, soalnya gue deep down tau dia banget, tapi kan tetep aja khawatir kalo dia kenapa2x krn imbas imel gue ituh.

Yaaaah, intinya, gue udah seneng lah, udah back to normal lagi semalem, dah sms2xan lagi. Dia kayaknya hari ni balik dari bandung, tapi tau deh, mungkin aja bisa diextend.

Cenangnyah akyuuuuuu..

..lanjutan posting kemaren..

..belajar bilyard..

Yup !! Gue mulai semalem belajar bilyar ama Risty. Tadinya ama Anto, tapi berhubung dia lagi fitness, jadilah kita bedua aja peginya. Untuuuuuuuuung ajah ada Eric Ndut, jadinya dia yg semalem ngajarin gue. Asli, sabar banget diana.. Gue yg tadinya malu kalo salah gitu bener2x dibuat PD ama Eric. Ada kali 1,5 jam belajar di Bengkel semalem. Ternyata susah2x gampang, terutama untuk melemaskan si tungkai lengan inih. Gue tuh yg kaku banget, trus pinggang kanan itu sakit ajah, secara badan mesti bungkuk mulu. Tapi gue gak mau nyerah. Gue harus bisa bilyar dalam waktu 1 bulan inih. Kenapa ? Karena ternyata disini orang2x either bowling, bilyar ato karaoke. Nah, kalo bowling & karaoke gue masih bisa lah, tapi bilyar ? Gak mungkin dong gue hanya diem-bengong-cengo aja pada saat mereka main. Gue kan harus berpartisipasi, bukan begituuuuuuu ??

So, ntar malem gue mau belajar lagi ama risty & eric ndut. Asyiiiiiiikkk...

..belajar bilyard..

..he's acting weird ??..

Kok gue ngerasa he's acting weird now ya ? Mudah2xan siy bukan karena imel yg gue kirim ke dia. Well, jadi wiken lalu itu gue hang out ama temen2x gue, trus dia dateng bentar setelah gue, risty, jenah & suarip (yg ndilalah pas kobam kok bisa mendadak normal dg peluk cewek sana sini and really freaks me out ya ??) nelponin diana utk dateng. Dia dateng siy, cuma 15 menit, tapi itu udah buat gue seneng dan asli, gue yg kanget banget ama dia. Gue kangen mukanya, kangen mukulin dia, kangen ngerusakin rambutnya.. Setelah gue tanya, baru dia bilang kalo dia itu kangen juga ama gue. Emang dasar cowok yah, susah banget ngomong jujur

Setelah dia cabut, gue sms dia, bilang kalo gue kangen banget ama dia. Trus paginya, gue sambung dg bilang kalo gue gak mau kalo pertemanan kita jadi aneh dg adanya sms gue itu. He's my greatest best friend and I don't wanna lose him. Trus, malemnya gue buat imel untuk dia. Intinya, gue bilang kalo ternyata gue itu udah punya rasa sayang ke dia, tapi gue gak mau lebih dari itu. Gue kepengen kalo gue tetep berteman ama dia & dia juga gak boleh punya rasa lebih dari sekedar perhatian ato sayang ke gue. Gue juga bilang ke dia kalo gue itu pernah yang kangen banget ama dia sampe nangis2x segala. Gokil bin aneh kan ? Tapi, gue bisa terus terang ke dia krn gue tau, dia gak akan merubah pandangan ttg gue & tipe dia itu secara garis besar sama ama gue, jadi dia gak akan nanggepin hal ini dg serius.

Naaaaah, kemaren itu gue imel deh. Trus, kok dia yg jadi diem gitu. Gue pengennya siy bukan krn imel gue itu, krn tokh guenya sendiri udah biasa aja. Tapi, kalo emang ternyata dia jadi aneh krn imel gue itu, ya gue bisa bilang apa ? Tauk ah, yg penting gue udah lega. I might give him some room to think, jadi gue mau bebasin dia dari sms2x gue yg tadinya tiap hari jadinya mungkin 2 hari ajah. Gue tokh udah mulai banyak kerjaan, jadi waktu gue gak akan banyak terbuang utk mikirin dia

OK, now back to work..

..he's acting weird ??..

..and the survival is..

..sampai jam segini, gue masih kuat utk gak sms ryan..gue pokoknya mau liat, sampe sejauh mana kekuatan gue utk gak berhubungan ama dia..bukan krn gue gengsi, tapi gue pengen ngetes kekokohan benteng gue utk tidak ketergantungan ama sosok dia..pokoknya gue harus kuat..

I'LL SURVIVE !!

..and the survival is..

..gue bingung..

Ya, gue bingung ama perasaan gue sendiri.. Sabtu lalu, setelah farewell party gue di 9 Clouds dan dilanjut ke public, pas balik ke rumah, gue langsung tertidur, tapi gue asli gak nyenyak banget tidurnya Seoerti ada yg kosong gituh, mungkin krn gue ngerasa kehilangan yg cukup sangat dg sosok ryan..

Dlm 2 bulan ini, ya setelah nokia blues party itu, gue yg deket banget ama dia & gue bisa cerita apapun ke dia even a thing which I don't tell to my parents nor my friends, but I could tell it to him without any feeling that he would think of me differently nor would tell it to the whole world. I can trust him, the same as he could trust me. -- i'm in my desk and i'm in tears, dammit !! --

Gue tau kalo gue udah cukup ketergantungan dan terbiasa being him around me or the other way around and I have to let it go very soon. Gue tau banget, kalo gue udah mulai ada rasa sayang ke dia dan gue gak boleh let it grow any bigger. He's my best friend and he's married with 2 daughters and I shouldn't let myself have feeling for him more than what a best friend should have.

Gue kepengen gak perlu ngebahas hal2x kayak gini krn makin lama dibahas makin pusing ajah, tapi gue masih ada yg ngeganjel kalo belum bilang ke orangnya. Walo gue tau dia banget secara tipikal kita berdua sedikit sama, tapi gue tetep gak bisa nebak reaksi apa yg bakal dia kasih kalo gue bilang "I care about you more than just a best friend yet I don't wanna let this feeling grow any longer. I still wanna see you, I still wanna have what we have right now, but if I decide to leave you because I love you, please don't mad at me.." Whoaaaaaaaa, that would be the devastated day of my life, I guess..

I just don't wanna live in denial for the second time. I don't want what had happened with Byron, now happen again with him. Gue gak mau, amat sangat tidak mau..

..gue bingung..

..second day at the office..

Hari kedua di kantor baru.. Kemaren berjalan cukup lancar. Gue dapet laptop baru, HP Compaq nc6400 yg notabene lebih imut dari IBM T43 gue yg sering blue screen. Trus, gue juga dapet Racom Card, kayak SecureID gitu. Gue ternyata juga dapet no baru, tapi berhubung gue udah ngejual hp nokia yg 6670 itu hari minggu, mau gak mau gue harus mencari hp baru utk handset si nomer ini. Sementara gue lagi kepengen banget beli CDMA, biar lebih irit. Hmmm, harus cari hp yg bisa dipake utk CDMA & GSM nih. Gapapa deh, bolak balik buka utk ganti SIM Card, tokh ini juga bakal berlangsung ampe 6 bulan aja. Janjinya, gue setelah 6 bulan akan dipermanenkan. Well, Insya Allah yaaaaaaa...

Gue dah dikenalin ama temen2x seruangan gue. Boooo, disini emang tiap partisi terisi orang, tapi sepi banget. Asli, mereka itu serius sekali bekerjanya. Gak ada musik sama sekali yg keluar dari laptop dan gue gak denger ada orang yg tertawa2x lepas kayak gue di Nokia dulu. Gue kemaren ditelponin G & Dheva ampe harus keluar ruangan, krn mereka yg tertawa puas gitu ngerjain gue yg harus jaim.

Whoaaaaaaa, gue gak rela denger mereka tertawa puas sementara gue harus yg menata nada suara getoh. Sialan banget mereka ituh, but I miss them.. Miss the laughter, miss the crazy moment.

Anyway, berhubung ini udah di pagi hari ketiga secara gue lupa nge-publish ini kemaren, jadilah gue udah agak2x lupa apa yg mau gue tulis. Oya, gue ingeeeettttt !!

Kemaren jam 2 siang, gue di-brief ama pak Jeffri mengenai kerjaan yg harus gue lakukan and that's so damn complicated. It's quite a challenge krn gue harus ngecompile data dari 2 report dan gimana caranya supaya dia gak bingung liat itu report *gubrax* Gue kan gak jago excel, apalagi rumus2x & formula yg ngejelimet itu, tapi gue harus ngerjainnya. Whoaaaaaaa, doakeun semoga gue bisa ngerjainnya deh. Mana ada deadline-nya segala, yg satu weekly dan yg satu daily, trus gue harus upload di server.

Gue sebenernya rada pesimis, tapi everything should be done with full of confidence, right ? Jadi tugas hari ini adl untuk mencoba kutak katik itu excel sheet.

Huaduuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh.............

..second day at the office..

..2 more days to go..

Yep, that's right.. 2 more days to go and I'm out from Nokia Networks after joining for almost 2 years, precisely is 20 months.. So many good memories but in the end, I have to end it up with arguing with Sandy and he's assigned to become my boss for 2 months only. Personality, he's ok, but when it comes to work, I can't stand any longer. Gue gak mau sok tau ato gimana, tapi he's my boss and he suppose to know stuffs more than me.. He should've the knowledge as he's more experience in Nokia tools compare to me which just involving with this project world less than a year.

Sometimes I miss Anu & her guidance which to some people has a strong personality & can't be flexible, but to me, she's my wall, she still defend me & she could give me answer of all questions I ask, at least if she doesn't know, she'd find out for me. Totally different with Sandy.

Tapi gue juga sedih ninggalin temen2x gue disini. Pertemanan disini enak banget and compare they're the greatest !! Mungkin krn di Embassy gue susah mencari yg seumuran, paling cuma the icons yg deket, sementara kalo disini rata2x seumuran jadi pola pikir nyambung & rata2x gue berteman ama engineers yg 100% cowok, jadi gokil banget !!

Mungkin the most person I'm gonna miss besides Lany & Grace is Ryan.. Gak tau juga kenapa bisa deket banget ama dia. Gue berasa back to college times, dimana gue bisa cerita gokil2xan, bener2x lepas tanpa beban. Yg gue sebel, udah tau kalo gue bakal keilangan, eh pake diomongin segala ama dia semalem. Gue kan yg jadi kepikiran gitu, jadi berasa sedih banget.. Gimana coba kalo gue lagi stress, pengen ngerokok bareng, pengen curhat tapi gak ada orang yg kayak dia di kantor baru ? Sebeeeeelllllll...

Makanya gue alihkan aja kalo gue akan selalu nonton basket tiap selasa, trus kan bisa ketemuan untuk ngopi2x. Cuma, can't deny kalo semalem pas nyampe rumah, gue jadi kepikiran gitu. Eh, tadi pagi dia juga bilang kalo dia kepikiran juga. Uuuuuuuuugh, gue kan jadi makin mellow.

Udah ah, gue gak mau ngebahas Ryan lagi.. Bisa2x gue makin menjadi sedihnya :(

..2 more days to go..