..kepala gue berat..

Pagi-pagi, gue bangun dengan kepala yang berat banget. Pembicaraan semalem sama dia bener-bener buat gue gak bisa berpikir. Kalo memang sudah tau jawabannya dari awal, kenapa juga mesti dragging me into this, making me hope that this would go somewhere we both wanted but now, it's a fucking dead end. Untuk apa segala perbincangan tentang masa depan, kehidupan bersama, ketakutan, keraguan, dan segala macam persoalan lainnya jika dia dari awal sudah memiliki jawaban dan bahkan menetapkan kalau dia tidak akan pindah agama ?

I should've known it from the first, yet I let myself drown deeper and now, all I got was hurt, pain and for sure, sorrow. Some people said that love is enough to build the world, but in my world, it's never be enough. Love has boundary and in this case, the boundary is religion. Yes, we have different religion and nobody wanna convert their religion. I know that I shouldn't hope that he'll convert just because he loves me.. I should've known that it's impossible to do so, especially knowing he's gonna be a priest someday.

Just when I'm ready to open up my heart for someone, just when I'm ready to accept love, everything is taken away from me. Like the death angel, who take someone's soul from their live, just like that..

It hurts facing the fucking truth, but what could I say ? What could I do ? Asking him to convert just for me then get married ? It's not that simple.. I have to face his mom, which I'm sure she would against me & faraway from welcoming me to her family. I know that I should be strong to face this as it's not the first time I had a tragic end in a relationship, but in some point, I just couldn't be strong as I supposed to be.

It's like a dejavu to me. Love is never enough to make you sacrifice and earn something that you really need and want in your life. You need to make a choice, and perhaps his choice is becoming a priest and give up on me. I couldn't ask for more from him, I just couldn't.. I'm afraid if I do so, then someday it would come back to me and hit me even harder.

I don't know which one is better, he's gone from my life now or still has him but knowing that he wouldn't be mine ? I don't know, completely don't know.. All I know that this whole day today, I cried and cried and couldn't get the tears come from rolling down, even when I wrote this down.

Nobody get the blame. In fact, kalo ada yang perlu disalahkan, gue akan menyalahkan diri gue sendiri karena sudah membiarkan gue merusak diri gue sendiri dg menikmati kebahagiaan semu ini. Kebahagiaan yang berujung dengan kesia-siaan.

My heads hurt so much, didn't get the chance for lunch until now.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh, kayak taik semua ini !!!!

..kepala gue berat..