..an email to my dear, meldhya..

Dear Meldhy,

First of all, I'd like you to know that my condition in writing this is far away from being emotional, no more anger, not even sad, just being so calm.

This morning, when you said you wanna keep a distance with me, I think it answers all my thoughts & doubts I had lately. Ever since last week, when you wanna have my permission to go out for a movie with Erna, I already questioned myself about you and of course, about us. This case might be cleared on that nite, but it got me thinking, although not pretty hard. Then, later this week, when you were going to Bekasi and I asked you for how long you'd gonna hide me in front of your family and you just asked me to be patient, it adds another drop of thought that I almost forget. Yesterday, when I walked from the office to PIM for buying a mail box, those questions & the thoughts played ragingly in my head again. And this morning, when you said you would come & go with me tonite but wanted to leave early, with reason that somehow I felt it just a made-up one.

I don't know, Mel.. Sometimes I'm tired being so high temper, dealing with stuffs which I shouldn't deal with, and sometimes, I'm longing to have my life back. The life where I shouldn't have to worry about other people besides my family. The life where I could be me, where I could do whatever I want, without having to be so dependent with others. But then I said to myself, perhaps I should go through this with whatever reason behind it. And if you wanna know something, mel, the more I get to know you and the more I attach with you, the more I want you to be a part of my life yet the more unclearer future I'll have with you.

You might called me that I worry to much, worry of things that might not be happening at all. You probably would say that I have to think in a positive way, but I just can't. Every night I talk to myself, that I felt like I'm heading to nowhere land. Every night too, I keep asking the same question, what agenda you have towards me, because everybody has one. And from that question, my assumption begins. Please know that it's not an accusation nor a bad prophecy about you, but it's purely an assumption that I had since I felt I know nothing about you. Those assumption really freaks me out, mel.. I really hope it's not true, but I don't know, sometimes your act kinda show me that it is true.

Anyway, maybe you're doing the right thing for wanting to keep a distance with me. I never have any intention to push you, but if you felt that way, I truly am sorry. You could take as much time as you want, I won't have any objection against it. I will accept it, and if in the end, you wanna break up with me, I'll understand.

Thanks for everything you've done towards me. No matter what, I can't deny and fool myself that having you in my life for these 4 months has given me an uncomparable joy and brought me happiness. I'm being grateful to God for ever introducing me to a person like you.

I love you and I'm sorry for ever hurting you.

- yulia -

..an email to my dear, meldhya..