..gue bingung..

Ya, gue bingung ama perasaan gue sendiri.. Sabtu lalu, setelah farewell party gue di 9 Clouds dan dilanjut ke public, pas balik ke rumah, gue langsung tertidur, tapi gue asli gak nyenyak banget tidurnya Seoerti ada yg kosong gituh, mungkin krn gue ngerasa kehilangan yg cukup sangat dg sosok ryan..

Dlm 2 bulan ini, ya setelah nokia blues party itu, gue yg deket banget ama dia & gue bisa cerita apapun ke dia even a thing which I don't tell to my parents nor my friends, but I could tell it to him without any feeling that he would think of me differently nor would tell it to the whole world. I can trust him, the same as he could trust me. -- i'm in my desk and i'm in tears, dammit !! --

Gue tau kalo gue udah cukup ketergantungan dan terbiasa being him around me or the other way around and I have to let it go very soon. Gue tau banget, kalo gue udah mulai ada rasa sayang ke dia dan gue gak boleh let it grow any bigger. He's my best friend and he's married with 2 daughters and I shouldn't let myself have feeling for him more than what a best friend should have.

Gue kepengen gak perlu ngebahas hal2x kayak gini krn makin lama dibahas makin pusing ajah, tapi gue masih ada yg ngeganjel kalo belum bilang ke orangnya. Walo gue tau dia banget secara tipikal kita berdua sedikit sama, tapi gue tetep gak bisa nebak reaksi apa yg bakal dia kasih kalo gue bilang "I care about you more than just a best friend yet I don't wanna let this feeling grow any longer. I still wanna see you, I still wanna have what we have right now, but if I decide to leave you because I love you, please don't mad at me.." Whoaaaaaaaa, that would be the devastated day of my life, I guess..

I just don't wanna live in denial for the second time. I don't want what had happened with Byron, now happen again with him. Gue gak mau, amat sangat tidak mau..

..gue bingung..